Humor

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The First Step In Becoming a Satanist

October 19, 2008 | 5 comments

So, you want to become a Satanist, huh? Alright. I’ll help you get started. The first step is to learn how to spell Satan. I know – you’d think the first step would be learning about Satan, or sacrificing a black cat, or painting one of your fingernails red.

I have my reasons, though. Why is spelling the first step in becoming a Satanist? Well, I figure if you’re going to be a Satanist, you’ll want to occasionally let people know that Satan lives by tagging things with spraypaint. And you wouldn’t want to do what a fellow in my town did. Observe:

If you’re having trouble reading it due to the poor quality (my apologies – cellphone camera), it reads: Satin Lives. When spelled wrong, it loses something, don’t you think? I believe Johnny’s project next week is to tag the school building with “Polyester Lives.”

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The Library’s “Readable Non-fiction”?

August 16, 2008 | 8 comments

I was at the public library a few days ago and saw a display that I think could have stood a bit more planning before being released into the wild. Having my handy cellphone, I snapped a picture:

As opposed to the vast quantities of unreadable non-fiction they have available… ? Yes, yes, do check out our readable non-fiction, it’s right over there. That stuff way back in the back? Utterly unreadable. Don’t even bother looking at it.

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Open Mouth, Insert Foot

July 3, 2008 | 3 comments

Well, I just had a rather embarrassing moment at the store. I was standing in line, waiting to pay for my things; I was next to be rung up. The guy at the checkout said to the lady in front of me, “You’ve got one more 2 liter of Pepsi here, too.” I glanced forward and saw 10 or 15 large bags of potato chips as well. The checkout guy then told the lady her total: $67 and some change.

I put the 2 liters of soda, the chips, her total, and tomorrow’s date together, and commented, “Wow, looks like you’re getting ready to have a big party.” The lady just looked at me and smiled slightly. She said nothing. Okay, I thought, so much for small talk…

As she was pushing her cart away, though, I looked at its contents. Only two 2 liters of soda. No bags of chips. She had a lot of different things, including a rather large assortment of household cleaning stuff. I looked at the checkout counter and saw that all of the bags of chips hadn’t belonged to her – I was looking at a display of chips, simply situated next to the checkout counter. D’oh.

No wonder she wouldn’t talk to me. Yeah, lady, looks like you’re getting ready to throw a big party with a cart full of Windex and scrubbing pads.

Ugh.

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If You’re Dead, Can You Still Get Life Insurance?

April 18, 2008 | 12 comments

I wrote back in August of 2007 that my father was receiving mail from Physicicians Mutual, the life insurance company; most of the mail had Welcome back! in big letters stamped across it. There’s nothing wrong per se with getting mail from life insurance companies, except that in August of 2007, my father had been dead nearly 2 years. He died in December of 2005.

Well, fast forward to now: my dad is still getting mail from Physicians Mutual. As time has gone on, the slogans have gotten better and better. The latest (and perhaps greatest, pardon the cliché)?

It’s Not Too Late!

Oh yes. I believe it is. If you’ve enough money to toss out, you can get life insurance when you’re direly ill, but when you’re dead? I’m afraid not. Perhaps Joshua was right, though, with his comment on my previous post about this: Physician’s Mutual just wants to be, ahem, prepared in case my dad claws his way out of his coffin and zombie-walks back home. If he does, they’ll be ready to accept him right back into their fold. :)

It’ll be the next sector that life insurance companies expand into. “Buy life insurance for your dead loved ones! You never know when they might come back!” They could borrow stock photos from old horror movies.

(And to make it abundantly clear: I’m not at all angry about this. I think it’s hilarious. I suppose I could rant and rave about how insulting it is, etc., but – well, I just think it’s funny.)

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Caution: Middle aged persons on board!

July 28, 2007 | 5 comments

Driving my wife to a meeting earlier today, I ended up behind a transport van, part of a system in my town that provides transportation for senior citizens. On the back of the van, underneath the emergency exit door was this:

Caution! Senior citizens!

Fair enough.

I’ve also seen, quite often (always?) this on the back of buses used to transport kids:

Caution! Children!

Alright, so if you’re driving behind a van with really old people, or really young people, you should be cautious. However, does that mean, then, that if I’m behind a van or bus full of middle aged people, or perhaps people in their mid-twenties, I shouldn’t be cautious? Is it okay, then, to ram the back of the vehicle in front of me? Because there aren’t any toddlers or elders on board? Are people who are beyond the chid years, but not quite yet to the elderly years, inherently less valuable or something?

Obviously, I’m being a bit facetious here, but I think they are rather silly, those warnings. If anything, I suppose they should say Caution! Live humans on board! But can’t that be said for practically all vehicles on the road? In which case, is there really any need for signs on the back of such vehicles in the first place?

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